Free-flowing emotions.

I've been lower than you can imagine. I've been the puppet for the devil's doings, I've made many a mistake. I've hit rock bottoms that you can only dream about. None of you know the smells, the tastes, the tingling on the backs of your spines. You couldn't fathom where I've been with your or any imaginations. In your sterile environments, your oh-so-safe lives of tranquility and happy blissful ignorance. Can't say that it's anything other than the smart thing to do, I don't blame you. But you know what? I'm fucking stronger than any of you put together. Judge me for who I am, who I've been, what I've done, where I've been; go the fuck ahead. I can't stop you, and I know you will anyway. But at least I know that I can pull myself up off the floor, struggling, and get on my own two feet just like I've always done. And brush myself the fuck off, and keep going. I learn from my mistakes. And those of you that have never made big mistakes? Good for you. You're like auto-pilot: great until it fails, and then you have to take the controls, panic, and die. You know what? You don't get to judge me. You don't get to judge someone with more life experience than you and with more street smarts than you will ever, in your entire safe little lives, have. Get over yourselves.

Sometimes I really wonder what the point of relationships are. So someone can watch you drown and criticize you while you're gasping for air, and then when you finally are able to get yourself to land they sit there and criticize you for almost drowning, and then not forgive you for almost drowning. I give the fuck up. Life is too short to keep having my heart broken again and again and again. I learn from my mistakes, but apparently I missed this one. You try your best, only to have someone take your own shit and rub it in your own face, and ask you how you think that smells to them. So people can not recognize the huge effort on your part that you are making every day, and nitpick all the minor insignificant details. TALK ABOUT FUCKING SOUL-CRUSHING. I've never been so upset in my entire life. All the progress we've made, I've made. All the wrongs made right, all the cracks that were sealed, all the damage repaired, just to scuttle the boat from the inside. Talk about cowardice. Talk about a fucking waste. Makes me want to blow my brains out. To work so hard for someone and something and just to have them shit on it. You know what? I'm not going to bail. I'm going to sit here and keep patching up the cracks in the hull , even as the cold water creeps up my legs and slows my heart rate. I will sit here and die trying to save this ship as my head goes below water and it's quite obvious it will sink like a rock. You stuck it out with me so I'm not going anywhere, I'm going to stick it out with you. But if you want this ship under the sea, you're going to get what you want regardless of what I try to do. I'm not bailing. I'm staying right here. Kiss me, kill me, your fucking choice. Now hand me the welder and make your damn decision so I can die already.