[redacted]

the world
the entire world a clenched fist, skin turning white from pressure
vibrating, almost humming
I held it up on my shoulders, arms
like a drugged Atlas,
mumbling profanity and blaming only what he holds

and when The Man said the word regret,
and that I should forgive myself,
oh those arms became so weak
lactic acid building up in those muscles and
we reached the point of failure

secrets like blood in your stool, like
thievery and abuse
what you thought was mildly unlikeable like cheap potpourri
became all-encompassing
became a gas chamber
became Hell and vegetables to you

and if I should forgive myself,
who will erase the memories
the daily/hourlys
what otherworldly, imaginary device will help me to forget
just how evil I was
back then
when I only loved one thing
and it wasn't you

astaire.

this must be some type of anorexia
I can no longer fathom words
too much time
it takes
to think

something is wrong

this brilliant mind has stopped breathing
this must be some type of disconnect
burnout fold in
the edges are burning
the burns are creeping in from the outside
there isn't much time left
we creep like smoke in a vacuum
don't try to stop me from leaving this way

the eclipse happened, and kept happening.

the obscured obscene
I detailed the events of our rise and fall in the older issues,
flipbook heart,
this is how I remember.
each one like a war, lost or won (very few)
each one like a life, burned through and used
the one thing I remember about you is
how addicted I felt
I just wanted you around, always
breathe the air together in the same space
to have our bodies parallel horizontal always, my arms
wrapped around you like a tourniquet
your warmth
permeating me like my own little sun,
and I could bathe in you forever,
and we orbit each other,
silent dancing in the vast vacuum of cold
but we are not
.
forever is always just a word
and words are just lines
and lines are just straight
and straight is direction
my direction is forward
with you without you, I break away
I really, really do want you
but I don't need you
any of you










there are those that love, truly love, and then those that just play the role they are supposed to.
but never know the difference.

conversation topics.

hey dear. I've been meaning to tell you something. sit down, let's discuss.
no longer a table for you to place delicate instruments/
acting out, our dance moves
our kissing pictures are underwater
i found A. WAY. OUT
don't tell me you don't dream in my name/
oh, we rained it down
give us some god damn applause
once in a lifetime kind of
but I've seen him now
takes the magic out of it a bit, don't you think
he ain't shit just like the last one
but there was always that one night
distance and time like a telegraph
everything gets unfocused, gritty
but i still know
everything
about you
don't i

wraparound nights and you dropping out
i now dream in halogen
you've been bleached out
if I'm still unhappy at least i rode in on it, victorious-like

truthtruthsaytruth.

you've no reason to sleep over any longer, my body has lost it's warmth long ago
how dare you not notice and continue on
trying to wake the dead
I've got a demon in my mouth
he takes his escape down south and comes up when I try to breathe
he's done wrong to everyone I love
and boy is he just getting started
I can't go on, witnessing through tear-choked eyes what he does, unable to help
hands like old jazz songs
a body like a sailboat, using your breeze
run far far away from this boy, he's meant for nothing but to facilitate the collapse
branded long ago
a friend once told me I love too hard
I can't handle the aftermaths any longer, so submit me to the ground
numb me out
I'll take the demon any day over being let down again
it's almost orchestral
the crescendos rise and fall to a chemical beat
the way it disperses, slowly, my senses on fire
I am not me anymore
turn away from this
you can remember me in my words and my voice
this last decade was a fucking sham

precious (anti)bodies.

i seem to cough you out in fits
heart asbestos coughs
long minutes filled with interrupted silence and hacking, from deep inside
shaking you out, little
by little
girl, little girl, damaged and damaging
ravished and ravishing
my tuberculosis pulse beating slow, fast, slow, beads of sweat zig-zagging their way
slowly across my forehead
I can still feel you in my hands
your hair in my fingers
and the coughing starts again
I look in my palms to a bloody mist, wipe it on my sides
use my balance and my right leg to rise up
stand for a minute as if to say, "see? I'm not done yet"
but the wobbling comes back and soon
I'm back on my knees again, coughing returning in huge, eruptive waves
until my ribcage hurts and my brain is sick of your name
I never thought you'd be this
like a cancer to me
you irresponsible little girl, don't you know how contagious you are
how your clothes fit your form so well
how when we kissed, colors got brighter and all sound fell away
a guy like me,
I have no immune system
for a gorgeous disease such as yourself

shouts from the mezzanine.

my skin needs you

when we fall asleep with the windows open
at 4am when the world is on mute
the air is a crisp, raw type of cold
the blanket that envelopes us can't get any more important
I try to convince myself that I don't love you

because I can't need anyone again
not like that

I find my way to the opening and close it down
cover it with makeshift drapes so
we get a slight reprieve from the eventual sun
I urinate and return;
my limbs jigsaw into yours
back under where it's eternally warm
and my heart
almost
feels safe once again
we've got a few more hours before this is over, so I'll pretend like I'm still able
I'll press my lips against your unconscious body
and I'll be carried away

no one likes not being able to dream

flag-waver. black. nothing left in his lungs.

emphatically pausing
jingoist of the heart
all things red, heavy red
like as if the world was weighed down by blood rushing to its skin
eschewing all things corporeal for a goddamn fantasy
acted out in three parts
get real, get really real
get so real you stop dreaming and start planning your funeral

baby you're a door frame with no walls on either side
what's the point
I loved you until the fortifications broke and the invaders rushed in
I loved you until I heard narration about us in the background every time we were together
your words now are so saddeningly ambiguous
they are destined for the daytime television you love so much

it seems that we
as a people
are fearful of becoming something special
together or apart

I'm aghast at the thought of not being /ABLE/ to let you go

dirtynouveau/youstolemysoul

dust, dead skin; vacuum of space
we shut down all priority systems
this axiomatic conclusion eluded us all this time
you disembarked and set us adrift
cold, crushing
the scent of nothing
I passed the time counting stars and wondering when you'd show

what we felt next was a heavy shuddering
it slowly passed
but my heart and my lungs kept the rhythm
soon my body became rubber
time was sound
light was love
and you were my Sun; my every Sun in the world
My World
then sshhhhh.
.
.
just wait.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
you disembarked and set us adrift
years from now I'll be a curiosity and you'll be etched
onto the sides of me
hatch marks
what was once,
what once was.
light years away, I can still feel you at the controls

please send us home
please send us home.

I don't miss you anymore. you were a means to an end.
you were lucky that I fell through the rabbit hole and thus, fell for you.
you were lucky that a guy like me gave it all to the *idea* of you that you couldn't follow through with.
I'll be smarter next time.

years like a gravitron.

I worked clockwork behind a bent door
quiet quiet so you couldn't hear the goings on
here's the sin
steeped in gravity and ejected for an hour to re-up, return
then etched back into the bed to cocoon and release
the speed is not at which they recommend
the times spent with your lips are the only in slow motion
ricochet around the time slots
you're just a replacement for a replacement for a replacement/
repl//ac/e
replenish refill
I have no idea where my compass is
I can't see anything anymore
I can't hear you
my nerve endings are shot from overexposure, please remind me I still exist
please please please please please remind me
oh god