meridian.

your flesh
mixing into mine like colored paints, slowly churning into each other
our lips dancing together with the excitement of not having each other's company in months
I hold you as you shudder while asleep, like you always do
I don't mind your sleeping sounds, because it means you exist
next to me
I feel complete again
like I can breathe with 100% of my lungs now

I love you more than my next breath
and I'll never let you down again

I don't want to love like this anymore
because I can't handle it when it inevitably ends

you've convinced yourself I'm this terrible person that I never was.
to make it easier for you, because you believe liars, whatever.  I guess it doesn't matter anymore. 
you've given up, when I never gave up on you.
such a tragedy, all of it.  my mistakes, and yours.

I can't handle loving on this level and losing it on this level.  my heart cannot take it. 

you think whatever you want to now.  there are a thousand pictures with your smiles in them that tell the real story.  there are a million memories that tell the real story. 
I'll cherish those forever, and I'll hope you find what you're looking for,
and I'll love you forever.

try to speak, but nothing comes out
blank word bubbles
I'm barely alive
alone in a half-empty apartment with nothing but regret as my roommate
the air is so thick with tension that it's keeping the walls propped up
my love, she's still out there
unreachable by any definition
this pit in my heart feels like a gunshot wound
like a black hole in my chest, gaining size and mass
this silence is deafening
I'm sorry I did this to us
you're all I ever wanted, you're all I still want
I've learned the worst life lesson
I can't get you out of my bloodstream, I don't want to either
I miss every inch of you

please subdue your anger and find your way back to these arms
that have loved you more than anyone else ever will

the struggle method.

and there she comes up again
batter it down, silence your grey matter
put a muzzle on your heart
your  co-workers are starting to wonder if you are holding it together
(you aren't)
and there she comes up again,
ten more emails to respond to and the "hold" light on the phone is blinking red
and your eyes are wet, and you can't concentrate on anything
your chest feels like there's a mountain on it
this is your day to day now, and
this is
all
your fault
lunch time but you have no appetite, so go to your car and let it all out
just make sure you collect yourself enough before you go back inside
so they don't know
it's been more than six weeks, when will this end?
has it ever been this bad?
and there she comes up again
how is she doing, what is she doing, who is she with,
the one thing you want to do is the one thing you can't
this silence is the loudest sound you've ever heard and it's killing you
this is
all
your fault
if regret was clothing you'd be in coveralls and a snowsuit
you ruined everything

I hope she knows just how deep she lives inside your heart
I hope she knows you'd be willing to do anything for a
second chance
because everyone deserves a second chance, and so do we
___

the blankets we wrap ourselves in.

I am a thousand tearful apologies
rolled up in a carpetful of lust
and tossed into a dumpster,
nobody saw us, let's get out of here.

you are blind anger and irrationality
a temper tantrum in a space station
weightless and frustrated, without voyuers
insisting you are the victim.

if your goal is to move to the Arctic
it's easiest to pretend cold is the only temperature
that warm never existed at all,
and that summer was your worst experience ever
tell everyone you know how much you hated sunlight
none of those are true,
but it will make the ice that much more appealing
it will close all doors but one
it will make your self-imposed choice so much easier

you'll never sweat again
never feel the touch of water against your skin
never smell those blossoming colors
no more birds chirping in your ears
but at least you'll be submerged in solitude
protected
because that's what's important
I guess

we have pictures of your giant smiles in the sun
memories of your best Augusts ever
you're only lying
to yourself

all the love we leave behind.

do we place blame?
at the height of happiness, in the depths of our lowest lows,
flowers left at the graveyards of a thousand lost lovers,
entire city streets that should have been choked with the traffic of our love,
instead abandoned and left in mourning
do we place blame, does it even matter?
at any point in time
throughout our sordid histories
we could have made it work
fought for it with tooth and nail
actually made it work like how they did a century ago

is the one that we stick with just the one where we run out of spirit, or pride?

I'm as perfect as I am immortal
"I never had a halo, I never flaunted wings"
I only know what my heart feels and what my flawed brain tells me 
learn and move on
try to smile

I swear I die a little each and every time, I feel too much
I can't love as hard as I do and lose as much as I do, 
I can't 
don't let the procession march through yet, I can't wear black again

this is exactly what I was afraid of in the first place,
why I couldn't let you in
because I knew I'd eventually be here
wearing black

I'll leave a flower for you every week 
and I'm not blowing out the candle

have at me.

CAN YOU HEAR IT?

can you hear it?                                                                                         CAN YOU HEAR IT

             CAN YOU HEAR IT?                                                                                            can you hear it?





can you hear it?
because I can
scratching at the walls at night
the cells in my blood, screaming for it
I can smell it always
in the air
already in my lungs

fists fall away, 
we haven't even passed "go" yet
our two hundred dollars have been squandered
and our bronze game piece has been smelted
we've stolen, gambled and lied our way straight to the bottom
oh,
yes, 
this is the bottom
look around
the blackness 
it's yours
you created it

breathe

welcome home

 

withering away to everything.

I tore          you                          apart
without hands, without tools
made it so your penmanship was unintelligible,
and tar and feathered your silhouette,
so your promiscuity would be anonymous to the future me
a new old stranger
because I still feel the tremors,
such upheaval,
when your Earthquake Love hits a new town
your seismic affection shatters me,
and every other man gripping at the grass to keep from falling off of the Earth
another is undulating
smiling
to death
mistaking the convulsions for peaks, not valleys
Richter Scale reverberations

I can feel you under my feet, even cities away
I wish I could fly,
if only to not feel you anymore

my glacier.

entire landscapes inside of me
petrol veins
nitrates and concussive memories of loves lost
this is a different type of war, a different type of apocalypse
there is no smell of gunpowder,
just perfume residue and bleach

I'm not sure anymore of anything anywhere
especially you
my glacier
glasshouse
guillotinewife
the initials were pressed into the metal,
but they corrode in the blankets of ice

I am the soldier in the field, but I do not fight
I lay down my weapons and raise my arms in acceptance
close my eyes
smirk and nod

this is what was meant for us all along

born again from the rhythm.

she saved my life
I don't remember it, but she did
held my limp body in her arms as she
carried me down two flights of stairs
all ninety pounds of her
all double that of me

what happened after that?  did I walk into the hospital on my own?
did nurses come out and put me onto a stretcher,
like in the movies?

I woke up

even that is surprising to say, because I might not have
but I woke up
in a hospital bed, my first ever
psychologists asked me questions
interns, medical students were familiar with me when I had never met them
they knew what happened
I didn't

I'm sorry, and
thank you.