Saturday, March 29, 2008

torture.

so many thoughts swimming in my head right now.
such confusion, such fucking pain.
the outcome of this is going to take it's toll on me for years.
hoping for the best with every cell in my body.
knowing I should be preparing for the worst with the same.
I can't do anything right now but squirm in my seat.
I need to stay busy.
I need to get this out of my head.
It's not going to happen.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

trying to stand straight during an earthquake.

I don't know how to explain it, but I'll try.

From my experiences in the past year, I honestly think something inside me snapped. I broke me. My mind is always playing tricks on me, and I'm either "on" or "off." It's a mission to even try to describe what your brain does when you have someone in your life that you've permanently labeled as one thing, and then they take the door off the hinges and cement bricks in its place. What you thought was always going to be one thing is now not, and I just don't think I'm adjusting the right way.

The best comparison I can make is when you break a bone, or a few bones, and instead of going to the doctor you let it heal by itself. But since you did not get them put back into position, they heal wrong and will now never be the same way, or the right way. I think this is what's happened to me emotionally and mentally. Some days I wake up in what could be described as a hole I just can't scrape myself out of; it's not even depression. You could call it worse, or just different.

When I think about her, I have at least ten different emotions going full speed. It's too much too fast, and so I find myself not thinking about her at all. At least one day a week I find myself in a vicious bout of self-doubt, or I'm experiencing wave after wave of a feeling of worthlessness I've never experienced before. I find myself wanting to call everyone I'm closest to and just begging them to repeat to me over and over that everything's going to be okay, that I'm not a bad person, and that I did all I could. I guess that's what regret of this caliber does to you. I'm an emotional person, I've known this for about as long as I've been self-aware. I just hope that I can still function normally. People throw around phrases like "I'm losing it" or "I'm going nuts" very easily, but for once I'm relating to those phrases and it's scary.

Since I've been home I've grown by leaps and bounds. I've lost a shitload of weight and I'm eating healthier than I ever have before, I'm going to therapy, I'm back in school and getting amazing grades, and soon I'll be working 7 days a week and getting my own store again at VW. I'm more social now than I ever was before I moved, and I feel like I'm getting a lot accomplished and I'm moving forward. Yet at the same time, I feel like my grasp on everything is slipping, slowly but surely. Maybe I'm juggling too much or in denial about the emotions I have yet to fully come to terms with. I don't know. I don't know about anything anymore.

I had the biggest rug in the world pulled out from under me. You'd be out of balance too.