Monday, December 20, 2010

we gave like they all do.

I feel like burn victims feel
ghost pains
we've removed the lesion but it's still there
sedative season
freshly painted walls surrounded surrounded surrounding
sounding like echo verbs
sounds like
put the clasped hand to your ear and tell me if you still hear
my voice
my touch to the small of your back, up along your spine
graft my memories of you onto another
emergency room love
I'm just concentrating on
you not existing anymore
every piece of me in my room no longer knows your name

Monday, December 6, 2010

do you get it now?

Saturday, November 27, 2010

popsong.

I want to take your mindset that you had when you took this picture
how your heart was so full it was pouring over the brim
I want to remind you
you're never kissing me again
and then tell the you in this picture, the decisions you made
so you can hate the mistakes you made
I should have been gone so long ago
and yet I'm still combining these letters into words into/..
all my life I've been dancing off-time
between lines
I loved your rhythm, I could move to it
I loved our crescendo
but I've built entire temples on the results of my mistakes
and you, you were just 3 minutes I could move to

so much so little so new so broken.

I give you "White Dog" by Charles Bukowski.

________________________________________________
I went for a walk on Hollywood Boulevard.
I looked down and there was a large white dog
walking beside me.
his pace was exactly the same as mine.
we stopped at traffic signals together.
we crossed the side streets together.
a woman smiled at us.
he must have walked 8 blocks with me.
then I went into a grocery store and
when I came out he was gone.
or she was gone.
the wonderful white dog
with a trace of yellow in its fur.
the large blue eyes were gone.
the grinning mouth was gone.
the lolling tongue was gone.

things are so easily lost.
things just can't be kept forever.

I got the blues.
I got the blues.
that dog loved me and
trusted me and
I let it walk away.
___________________________________________________

devastated.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over.

"I told you this would happen."

glasses once filled with rum,
still the smell endures and the remnant of cola, now just color at the bottom
her kiss, like scripture; something to believe in
in a manner of speaking, I'm still on my knees with hands together towards the sky
the search for a numbing agent so strong it wipes away all memories of them
those which are now cracks in my tombstone
yes, that search endures as well
for I apparently can't handle the focused intensity by which they break me down
like sunlight through a magnifying glass
slowly peeling back all that sustains me,
that to which our meaningless little lives mostly dwell upon in our cherished hours of the day
looking up at the sky now, seeing nothing, the cold permeating but not affecting,
I find that I need less and less
except for something to believe in
oh, that necessity endures
that necessity, like a dead tree
still standing after so many years, roots firmly implanted in the earth
still fighting against the wind, the rain,
stubborn like it hasn't yet realized its fate
that necessity
gnawing at my heart at all cherished hours of the day
her kiss, like scripture
something to believe in

God, how I need something to believe in

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

those afraid of movement are doomed to be mannequins.

at the heights of malnutrition
anorexic royalty
I don't even know why I waste my time anymore
your missives, like finding money on the floor
too rare to be considered anything but luck
it's heartbreaking, but I've truly given up
in every way
when the dehydration kicks in, I'll be smoking cigarettes
numbing it all away
eating all the wrong berries like in Into The Wild
I'm starving myself of you
because I'd rather feel nothing than longing
the memories of us like a five-course meal
spread out before the starving
all the crops needed was a little rain

just take a fucking chance, will you, before I wither away to nothing

Monday, November 8, 2010

don't step foot into the bedroom.

I've filled your head up with smoke
I'm not what you think
deploy the decoys
carved out of marble but warm to the touch,
I'm sorry I can't be your monument
swingsets made out of holograms
she's got my heart and she doesn't care
I'm diving underwater and swimming as fastasIcanstraighttothebottom/

never coming up again because you wouldn't let me breathe anyway

Monday, November 1, 2010

birds on her hips.

you always slept so soundly
peaceful as words on a page in your covers
you were my secret forever

the lips turned to teeth too quickly
reasons fell through the seasons
do you still think of me

I crucified innocence
tore my cuticles to hell
forcing you out of my head

I know the sun has set
on the beach we used to lay
I just wish I could hold you again

even if it's just to finally let you go

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

heartropics.

bled out on the street, the street you took to get to me
manicured nails on my back
faint remnants of a voice I used to know
I'm so frustrated that I emailed you that night I wasn't in control
she's just like you
she found her way in and I can't get her out

when you loved your baths, and had me jump in
entangled
from the window we saw paradise, from inside we lied
textbook concern; passerby acknowledgement
I feel it in my veins
treasure maps never found again, I lost my chance

you spin me around underwater and make me find the surface whenever you throw your words at me. I'm Antarctica without you; any of you.
I see tragedies on the television and feel nothing
I feel amnesty in my bones, take off running

graduate cylinders, test tubes shattered on the floor
these fluids were never meant for experimentation
your centrifuge has spread my atoms straight to hell

Monday, October 25, 2010

the nasty, the imminent.

when I was in the bathroom
crushing up a little blue pill and inhaling the remains
you were in my bed and naked
waiting for your high to come back
we're all just junkie variations
apparently you kicked your habit
congratulations
never have I loved playing the role of chemicals so much
flawless role reversal
what great chemistry
you've moved on to a new high
but it'll never be the same
you'll be chasing the dragon for the rest of your life
you'll end up coming back like they all do
your realization will be cold sweats and tremors in bed
but I don't care for your withdrawl, because you deserted me

there's something terribly wrong with you
there's something terribly wrong with you

Monday, October 18, 2010

octopus.

as she slept next to me, this complete stranger
I figured something was either under construction or about to crumble
either way, at least it was movement

I don't tell people my dreams because they aren't,
and all the trauma I've felt boomerangs back around at night
bookmarked into grey matter

I woke up next to her but I wasn't really waking up
she was already awake and choking me
slowly muttered the words "I have a cousin"
we were in my bed, in the dark, in my apartment - just as we were in my bed, in the dark, in my apartment
I remember that, and then mad scientists
I remember that, and then running

I woke up expecting hands around my neck
a sort of endless loop of desperation and inevitability
I love the intelligent conversation, the warm body next to me, the curious nature by which she goes about the littlest things, the fact that she's flawed and outstanding and she glows like flame in the woods, but

I still woke up expecting hands around my neck

Monday, October 11, 2010

motherfuckers, part XXVII.

how does it feel to have never had dirt on your hands
currency-revolving life
you're a drawn-in stick figure in expensive mens clothing
your bankroll won't transcend the cemetery
characterless like an unmarked grave
the most expensive vanilla is still vanilla
the method of how it gets to your mouth is futile
silver spoon-fed baby boy
you'll never really live

Sunday, October 3, 2010

mead composition.

I don't need to be overly intellectual, esoteric or wordy.
I'm not trying to impress, these words often go nowhere but back around again.

All I know is that I love you like the blind love sound.

and that's it.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

on second thought, let's stay in.

a myriad of images, your shape, your relentless smile
slowly fading out like 1920's photography
scratches up and down the picture, burn holes through the negatives
beset by our deep sea blanket dives
you seized me
I can't get the scent off no matter what soap I use
even she couldn't get this far in, or maybe it's just the timing
everything is timing
you played dead and watched the crowd weep
mostly selfishness with a bit of ignorance and lust for good measure
dangerous
who are you and where did she go
and when will I find her
just remember, you made them weep,
and you're still breathing

terrible, terrible liar

Thursday, September 23, 2010

that burns twice as bright,

gnashing;
my fingers are frustration white
and in the picture you gave me I see honesty
your eyes avoid the shutter but the flash reflects off of your heart
bruised knees and swaying trees, it's out there
the explanation game
high and dry is the fashion trend
you went off the script and improvised
aw, baby girl
where's the message I'm looking for
I'm planning on having you as a big part of my future
yeah, this crooked smile is anything but.
who would ever do this

who

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

flammable heights.

we could have never caught fire at that altitude
we couldn't
someone brought us down to flammable heights
and I'll never know where you go
at this point we could walk past each other in the street without a word
swapping tender perfection for cold beds
it won't stay this way forever
when you know I don't exist for you anymore
that's when you'll come to second guess yourself
someone put fuel in the water hose
slashed the tires on the truck
put the firemen on sedatives and hypnotics

I'll hold a note for you as long as I can until my breath runs out
and when my lungs burn and my veins are trying to escape
you're either oxygen
or you're not

Sunday, September 19, 2010

little devices, tunnel lights.

you make me feel crop circles
stranded in stains
I'm a mess; shattered organs and entrails strewn across all rooms
supposed giants of emotion
but how can this be when we're as simple as sugar water
these are camcorder memories and they never end well
you're gaseous, entering and exiting
you're shadows on my cranium
you can make your own notch on my bedpost
if that's all you wanted it to be

Medusa stared at herself and turned into stone, when all I wanted was for her to speak

ended up staying for more than just the night.

baby just put me to sleep
we'll look this good regardless, just put me to sleep
whether it's my fingertips on your skin
or the lie you've been living in
when I'm this deep I either drown or come up for air
baby I try so hard
I break records with the effort
the songs won't ever stop
but I can change lyrics
so watch your step
and baby doesn't like it when I smoke
she's light through a prism
but with or without I'm still making history
watch your step

Monday, August 30, 2010

breathefuture.

when they come, I need you to be here for me
it will be fine
just hold my hand
they'll be dressed in white and playing with big words
you'll be scared
it's all I ever needed was for you to be here for me
I'm not perfect, I promise
but I'll try so hard for you
you'll see shaking and braces
you will never see me again
my skin will come off
they'll tidal wave in and wash away just as fast
everything will be clean
sanitation-style
but regardless of what you learn
just know that I love you
I really, really love you

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

manica.

I'm blind in here, shaking it out
staccato heart beats
stains and sin
leave the windows open so the air can dance
shadows on the walls like
ghosts of the people we're lying to
The Audience Translucent
the last time I felt this, ______________
collecting memories
injecting them in my veins
paranoia pheromones
my perception is so wretched
details, details!
just enjoy the night
and leave your rings on my bedside

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

marionette.

time spent without, oh so draconian
quiet rooms and loud thoughts
your existence is an impossibility
I'm flawed for having such a necessity
my pedestals are way too encumbered
and my arms are still empty

I think I'll stop writing for a while
cut the strings

Monday, August 2, 2010

turning/tossing.

I'm betting on temper tantrums stacked high against possibilities and people betting on you using your ears instead of your heart, closing your eyes and shutting out the world when it doesn't spin your way, fashioning your lips into weaponry and ignoring the poltergeist instead of exorcising it, writing lettings about magnanimous impregnation and stuffing them deep into my pocket while I bet on temper tantrums, my words never lie, my words will never lie, emotion-filled hard drives uninstalled and looped endlessly like beautifully delayed feedback controlled with knobs and sentenced to death when it gets too loud for you, I Am The Mile You Walk In Shoes You Haven't Worn Yet, it's simpler than you think when you shut out the sounds, our church is warm and inviting so why wouldn't you build it in the arctic instead of the jungle, Joni Mitchell singing her single while an entire continent vibrates with understanding and what earthquakes feel, I need you as an orchestra heard from inside the pit and not as the sounds of a phonograph heard relentlessly flickering through the breeze from a distant source.

you're a christmas that never comes, you're the reason for dreams, I could bury this so deep and still be afraid of it.
don't try looking for me. just find me already.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

measurements in mistakes.

tumultuous gray and lightning strikes screaming take me for granted
precious
precarious
grace
spit out long-winded addresses and about how we never got there
there was just too much going on
breathe in deep and exhale pure gravity
the signs are always written in an unknown language
and I translate it as such
my definitions are obviously flawed
we're four corners in prisons, in honeymoon suites
in solidified dreams labeled excess and
actual, real, honest-to-god happiness
I don't deserve it
you sure as hell don't
breathe in your gravity; hyperventilate on it
make my shoes out of cement and kiss me to the ground
because I've been floating
and apparently
I can't do that anymore

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

chandeliers.

yeah, I see you on the beach I used to lay comatose on for days at a time
once I dug a hole and buried epiphanies in it
broke apart on the rocks like so many old ships
stood in the warm clear waters up to my thighs and felt the infinity of it
watched it like good cinema
breathed in the scent of existence and felt it's grain between my toes
I asked, "how can a marriage end a block away from this gracefulness?"
I'll stay out here forever
plant me in the sand like a flag waving for a war I can't win
she told me god didn't want us to have children
or rather, for her to have children with me
what it takes to leave someone you love is the same as leaving the shoreline
my skin can't take the burns but my eyes will always want more
I can see my future in the horizon
even the sun is drowning but I'm not getting out of the water
Collins and 32nd, where my heart died for the second time
walk along the water and breathe it in
things will always be fine
if you feel the infinity of it

Friday, July 9, 2010

quotations. any quotations.

we are the acting out
pulsing in shockwave-esque Theatre attributes
the drama is just so unreal, we should put on 3D glasses and sedate down
the magnanimous and the benevolent will shower you in feel goods
we are, we are
submission central, the abrupt timeline crease and a love for prosthetic emotions
you are now and have always been the noise I hear in the other room
the paint is peeling on the walls that surround us
I believe that you are deceased and are only speaking through ventriloquism
Puppetry and Hemophilia
yes
yes, that's what I believe
when your coma blood dries and there's nothing left to eat
maybe then you'll love

Saturday, July 3, 2010

why people close their eyes when they kiss.

I'm not eating anymore
watching the vultures pick the parking lots clean
mister wasn't feeding the fire
wearing old man's clothes and acting out
people cross the street when they see me coming
because I'm walking with you in my mind
I must be going crazy
years from now someone I don't know will be cursing my name
like the rest of them are
headphones on and the sounds of falsettos in my head
behind a piano
I'm sterilizing the wound the only way I know how
I'm not eating anymore
I can't wake up
the chrome is blinding and the volume isn't even on
I can't bare empty notebooks
I can't bare the sight of it
why do I need you to love me in order to love me
why can't I get you out of my mind
we're both walking and we don't know where
and it doesn't matter
and it won't ever

esoterics.

oh we're no longer spinning
miss amnesia, I define you as butterflies
now define me
we can't swallow these words
our throats are slit as smiles
I've scattered memories so far even I can't find them
and you've had your chance
my cuticles can't handle this ride
I refuse to be strapped in
electronics, ephedrine, esoterics
whispers all day every day
it's all in the subliminal until we shout it from city streets
or sometimes in bedrooms
late at night
in quiet words and hushed tones
with tears

Saturday, June 26, 2010

our embrace is a slow leak in an old faded tire
long blades of grass billowing out from under it like frozen smoke
this field, these breezes, we own nothing
everything decays

Thursday, June 24, 2010

precarious.

if I must be honest
I'm scared of turning it on because I won't be able to shut it off
my eyesheartmind
fear, real to the touch, but like words on a page
dysfunction breeds the most irregular of receptions

and if I can hear you breathe, I can see you smile tonight
and that's quite alright
we're in the lobby just waiting for a room
we're planting seeds just waiting for a storm
we speak our true language alone and all in good fun

and those who tear up maps will be likely to stay lost
even though we scatter bread crumbs on the trail for them

this padlock is metallic and cold
all I ask for is just the littlest bit of a sunrise so I can warm my hands for you

please be a rapture
grace defined
you're in bed and you're just waiting for the light
and we all still believe in fairy tales, even a little.

Monday, June 14, 2010

the stories we tell are always censored.

alright I'm going to let this channel through me like humming voltage
crossed word wires hung up on stakes like the heads of the defeated
you speak nothing but blasphemy
and by the time the sun has set you'll be hung for it
the only thing you can do with a horse that has no pulse is bury it or eat it
either way we're losing time here
fucking
ticking
clock
there's mud in my socks and my feet are cold, I want to go home
I'm not crossing the river with you
you let the fire go out
all it needed was some goddamned kindling
you let the fire go out
there's no police force out here to govern except for our own morality
and right now my perception is skewed
because I see you as tuberculosis and carelessness
pneumonia and dangerous potentialities I am disinclined to allow
partner
telegraph this to your kin
we invite the Devil into our own house before he acts out
I've had enough of snake oil salesmen

learn to feed a fire before you
venture out again

Friday, June 11, 2010

never a thank you.

just don't let anyone see that we're running
we don't want to cause mass hysteria. but
the vehicle being used for transportation stops tonight
I won't let her go any further, seeping melding permanent style
these magnets won't attract
the planet must be dying
is this the aroma of fear? because I'm no predator
the concept we sketched out included gas masks and bodybags,
and here you are with a to-do list and mediocrity
and it seems to me that your eyes keep themselves unfocused forever
at least not on me
that much is for sure
for security purposes, we're putting up velvet ropes tonight
unsure if I care that you don't care
unsure if you know what that word means you keep using
or muttering under your breath, it feels like
which is not how it's supposed to be used because then the meaning changes
upon further inspection, these cracks are fine!
let's just leave
quickly
just don't let anyone see that we're running

Friday, June 4, 2010

your choice is fish.

i am the one man neurotrain asphyxia
convulsion; the moment as enormous
irritate; irritate
my signature is left in letdowns and barely audible sighs
ask too many questions, leave my body for hoursdaysyears
keep quietquietquiet

come off it now

the aroma of sex, sweat and indecision
I dimmed the lights as far down as they could go and it looked like heaven was burning, but just a little
you were moving in the shadows, I was being haunted
I didn't ask for this
you make me feel like I'm terrible at everything
keep quietquietquiet
months from now there will be failure and hours from now
the most expensive frame on a picture of something that never existed
this should be fun

Monday, May 31, 2010

she wore costumes.

there was this girl Alexandra with a tattoo of her ex-boyfriend's initials on her, just above her pubic hair and just below her beltline

the night after my wife left me for the first time, we smoked marijuana, did cocaine and then fucked in my marital bed
what a curious girl
strong jawline, short hair, loved everything alive and dead
I reminded her of her ex
she couldn't stop staring at my eyelashes
oh Alexandra
she said I made her alive
we stayed up all night and talked incessantly until our bodies spoke
my heart was fathoms away, I apologize Alexandra
Alexandra
Alexandra
you knew the entire story
what was going through your mind
I didn't have the heart to tell you I didn't have the heart
I was just aching bone and sinew
I was a corpse with one last night in town
you had what I needed and I took it

Alex, I'm so glad you're still smiling in the pictures I see of you

pictures of her with birds. (scene stealer part two)

through dripping mascara and eyeliner
you once accepted this life laid out before us in nothing more than whispered words
within recent dreams, I get up from off of my knee
and just walk away
out of the Terminal and back into the plane
nothing will ever be the same now like nothing was ever the same since
phases like dirty seasons never clean never static
please
get out of my head get out of my head get out of my head
you don't deserve
____________________________________________
you don't deserve any of it
you never did
quitter
neither did I
quitter
I sit on the banks of where bodies of water meet land, forever staring out
knowing out there somewhere
there is a living breathing organism that I forever and ever can't shake off
two fingers on the underside of where my jaw and neck meet
checking, feeling
indeed I still exist, so as must you
I don't believe in much of anything anymore because you believed in all of it
including us
I'm not chiseled out of stone but I swear I'll never stop trying

he said my mistake was self-improvement
I said don't worry, it never sticks

and I took it off of the finger and tucked it away
cast never-ending letdowns out to sea

(I think that boy's gonna swing soon)

barstool academy.

chatterboxes, the lot of you
chatterboxes
chatterboxes chatterboxes chatter bo xe s

Thursday, May 27, 2010

restless ego syndrome.

I believe your acumen is somewhat flawed
your shrewdness is godlike at times to those lesser than thou
(don't you think I know this)
and yet
transparency takes you from the clouds back down to the dirt where we all reside, eventually
submerge yourself until you have depth?
that's not
how it works
good god
casting judgment is the easiest of all sins
so
fucking
easy
makes me want to sigh for miles
I've lived lives you'll only read about
you're playing with sticks, making rivers in the mud
on the banks of the Mississippi

you have yet to get the process down
but I wholly admire your struggle
because I love you

notice of intent. notice of intent. notice of intent.

wrecked the box I came in
took a wrong turn somewhere
torn,
faded labels and traded hands for decades
this shipment is very late
shaking; microphone cords wrapped around my neck
sweat-induced labor
remember me for the last time, yeah
call out my name from the back of the room
self-induced dead celebrity status
this coma smells like you
pieces of myself left in hotel rooms across the country
a study in abattoir of the mind
"such beautiful penmanship" were the words she uttered as her eyes took me apart and put me back together again, sorted neatly in the package and taped together. I wrote my own name and left the address blank, chances are I'll know where I am when I get there.
Yeah I write hooks like right hooks (one, two stick and move)
if you won't play with me I'll create myself some imaginary friends
name them after my flaws
we'll start a nation
The United Mistakes
and I'll keep it together this time I swear
no more border jumping

heartbeats are gunshots when your mind isn't right and you can't feel your body and your pupils are runaways and your extremities flake off and fall to the ground around you like rocks around a campfire. laser light shows and planetarium kisses. this is what it feels like to float on.


I'll be in this fucking basement until I die

Sunday, May 9, 2010

vomistress.

and for the betterment of all Mankind, I walked/ran/raced through concrete and brick
centuries-old dirt and grime
people whose names were obviously in italics,
what an extraordinary-looking sundress,
until I came to the beginning of the end of the beginning doing laps around the fucking makeshift box hole that you call a cityscape
the curvature of her smile down the length of my rusted collarbone and back again
discarded antics
your words at me like the shelling of a small, cozy town from the harbor
and my estuary carries Intention to Functionality
shit girl, I can smell love in the kitchen
but he's using a microwave and your ingredients are expired
muttering false positives and carrying carrion
you're a bumper sticker
and the last line I replaced with this one because it was too honest

if you listen closely enough, you can hear the sounds of padlocks on the front door and a window shattering inside.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

needle tracks.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
when I remember that you exist
I want to shut off my five senses
peel off all the skin you kissed
.
.
.
.
.
...
.
.
.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

we had dinner together.

hey dead scenery, make my life style
blessed pregnant windshields
I'll race you
yeah, my time travel agent
my screen savior
bring me back to the introduction so I can end the scene
trees flickering past like spokes on the rims of a dead exit
baby, I'm a ghost town
just walk right past me and pretend to not exist
inherent danger on the outside, and
just plain nothing everywhere
she called me an absolute breath of fresh air
but she was underwater
and god were my eyes heavy enough to sink a stage
cut and strangle my losses with garrote wire

she gets me!
and yet
she's a thousand miles away and married to a paperweight
chemistry is meant for classrooms, baby
this is my church


*Written in an empty lounge on a train travelling from Sanford, FL to Lorton, VA.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

baptism by fire.

you're the light that reflects off of the grit in my teeth
as I chew on the sand that lies underneath
I swear it's my mission to swallow this whole
the streets and the beach and my neighbor's souls

the clock hand has eyes and they cry for me
here it comes
pulling out individual hairs like a science project
I must be finished by now
so walk past me, I'll follow gravity
tense up for the impact
here it comes
soon I'll smell of grease, money and bitterness
and you'll just look like gold
and taste as old

in the bedroom of someone's home, who let me in?
wash my hands
you're all so much in love
it all ends
plug in, I've got one night and I'm not showering
soon I'll smell of whiskey and amnesia
and you'll still look like gold
and taste as old

concentrate, for the lesson is in the lanterns
that we light to lead the way
you, beautiful fuel
you're my worst navigator
never again will I let the darkness lead me astray
the light is the saboteur
a l'outrance

I hope you die of sunburn, my love