there's no more happy endings. ever.

I've been asked a million times why I'm an atheist.

My soon to be ex-wife, who's a devout christian, and her family never stopped trying to convert me. For me to get jesus christ into my life. I was always asked "what happened to me" that made me lose faith in god and beliefs. For a while, they even got me thinking, because it seemed like a very moral and steadfast way to live. But now I realize that, aside from my tendency to view things pragmatically, why I never bought into it. And that's because no christian I've ever met has ever truly lived as a christian. Not fucking one. I originally had certain things written here that detailed how the one person who I thought was moral, decent, and 100% true to their beliefs showed their true colors, but I took it down. Regardless, I can go on forever about it but it's a useless exercise. In the end, what goes around comes around.

As much as you've tried to convert me, all of you, you've swung me back in the other direction with more force than I ever expected. This one person more than any other. When every person you meet that represents "faith" are horrible examples of the religion or belief they are supposedly touting, where's the incentive? If not one religious person can properly practice their own beliefs...? Not one can cease to be shitty human beings when it benefits them?

Maybe I'm just very hurt and I'm writing this out of anger and pain. But I know one thing, and that's Dave Newman The Atheist is a more moral person than 99.9% of the christians he's ever met. So use whatever fairy tale you need in order to make yourself feel better about what's coming for all of us one day, but don't believe yourself to be the slightest bit better off than the non-believers out there. I've done some bad things in my life, some of which I will regret forever. But nothing I've done is even close to the level of immorality of the things the closest christians to me have done. It never matters in the long run, everyone is always out for themselves, and that's why there will never be any happy endings. It's only a matter of time before someone devolves.

I refer you to the proof.

autopsy.

let them surround me
the dissection table is you
we've been trying so hard
I've got no voice left and thousands of pages
tiptoe around all of my subjects
they put on gloves before spending time with me

I left my hopes and dreams home tonight
I just don't want to keep feeling this
so tonight I'll be someone else
I can't love you tonight, I don't care how I do it
so let them surround me
because I've been trying so hard
and nothing ever works

this is literally making me sick

at this point, I just need to keep pumping them out.

There's pressure in my chest as
I wait for a mailbox bomb
named Suffocate

I'm asking you to please leave
as your continued existence is making it hard for me to breathe
If I could just
function
please

(Who are you and what did you do with her)
the old man works his magic
fake magician hands

please leave
because I guess He is okay with your immorality
question mark

bile.

she struggles with the old man hands
shakingly feeling out her body in half desperation, half amazement
what would you do in his shoes

through text she kills.

who were you for that year
and were his hands tired
from all the tearing apart he did?

I alone can see the worst mirror, and your hands are on my throat in it
all I do is love her
and I'll never be able to show her again
because of you

my chest has sunk so low
with all that you ruined I'll never talk to you again
I hate you
you took her away from me

oh vicious regret, take your foot off of my neck
what's the point in rebuilding if
only one will live in this castle now

Isn't that your book?

I'm with current
all muscles pause for a bath in words of consolation
we'll now be hyper-exposed;
the crowds say quitter, quitter, quitter.
the martyr says nothing.
quitter, quitter, quitter
I was not born yesterday, but your complaints were
you'll see his true colors
are blacks and grays
a day too late

I will recognize you one day in a crowd.

"contain your excitement.  we don't want this blowing up."
yeah, we've got layers
pain under scabs under expensive fabrics
I send desperate emails rapid-fire
I am the lone bomber with no pilot or navigator
yeah, you've got your exit strategy
kiss the pall bearers at your husband's funeral
march the pain parade
what fun I am
all the words I write mean nothing
to the voyeur in my window, witnessing
entropy at it's finest

and the girl who visits my job saying how attractive I am doesn't notice
my figure slowly fading and my mouth forming the position of a silent
scream

thieves.

godIneedyoutogrowup
she takes a stand through eyelids clenched like fists sealed in tears
oh darling
you can't whisper me away

I am shards on your floor; lost
apathy is only the lack of love for oneself
I only have it for you; love
lost.
I might look stagnant, but every cell of mine is screaming
wheels spinning so fast they look motionless

please don't do this.
knees bruised from begging
please don't do this.
oh darling
they will say any words that will whisk you away
we all but bathe in naiveness
and yours always leads you astray
love
you can't whisper it away

what words to describe the fear that leads me astray;
godIneedmetogrowup
she sleeps so still, so silent, so permanent in my head forever and ever
what will become?
this is a refusal of basic grooming skills until the end of time.
(apathy is only the lack of love for oneself)

oh darling
please don't do this
I shudder when I breathe
I shatter at any thought too deep
I shake myself to sleep
I only have it for you, love

we've been sabotaged at every turn
consider this a white flag flapping
whisper me away
I only had one thing for you;
love

Mayor Of High-Five City.

the arteries are unlit and they lead to epiphanies
we flow with such ease
I steer kamikaze
dark roads, dark hearts, long drives, hard thoughts

when I tell you I just need to be out
there's nothing I'm leaving out...
don't be offended for me needing to clear my head.
I have to find what its like to be alone again.

I wanto know every street in the world
just as much as the locals themselves
my car doesn't judge me, even if im dying inside
it's there and its down for anything I need
anything i need at all

when I tell you I just need to be out
there's nothing I'm leaving out...
don't be offended for me needing to clear my head.
I need to find what it's like to be alone again.

Fate be my driver tonight.  I'm your guinea pig passenger.  I need to
feel something other than this.  Anything other than this right now.
Endorphins will only last you so long.
I'm begging you,
take me away,
take these thoughts away.

gave her two weeks, spent them smiling.

It's getting darker through and through.
Sunset before 6pm, locked in an empty apartment, colder than normal and void of any conversation. Television noise echoes until the sound waves tire out.
I look for the lists of my shortcomings but find only bad memories. I know truth when I feel it, or feel nothing at all.
I've been here before, I remember these emotions. The chills up and down my spine, the moisture in my eyes, the endless questions that no one can answer.
Strangers in my life apologizing for something that has nothing to do with them; it's appreciated, it is. It's been real.
Anyone's hand in mine, please. Comfort me. My embrace in the heat has frozen over and I want for naught except to stay where I'm loneliest.