try to speak, but nothing comes out
blank word bubbles
I'm barely alive
alone in a half-empty apartment with nothing but regret as my roommate
the air is so thick with tension that it's keeping the walls propped up
my love, she's still out there
unreachable by any definition
this pit in my heart feels like a gunshot wound
like a black hole in my chest, gaining size and mass
this silence is deafening
I'm sorry I did this to us
you're all I ever wanted, you're all I still want
I've learned the worst life lesson
I can't get you out of my bloodstream, I don't want to either
I miss every inch of you

please subdue your anger and find your way back to these arms
that have loved you more than anyone else ever will

the struggle method.

and there she comes up again
batter it down, silence your grey matter
put a muzzle on your heart
your  co-workers are starting to wonder if you are holding it together
(you aren't)
and there she comes up again,
ten more emails to respond to and the "hold" light on the phone is blinking red
and your eyes are wet, and you can't concentrate on anything
your chest feels like there's a mountain on it
this is your day to day now, and
this is
all
your fault
lunch time but you have no appetite, so go to your car and let it all out
just make sure you collect yourself enough before you go back inside
so they don't know
it's been more than six weeks, when will this end?
has it ever been this bad?
and there she comes up again
how is she doing, what is she doing, who is she with,
the one thing you want to do is the one thing you can't
this silence is the loudest sound you've ever heard and it's killing you
this is
all
your fault
if regret was clothing you'd be in coveralls and a snowsuit
you ruined everything

I hope she knows just how deep she lives inside your heart
I hope she knows you'd be willing to do anything for a
second chance
because everyone deserves a second chance, and so do we
___

the blankets we wrap ourselves in.

I am a thousand tearful apologies
rolled up in a carpetful of lust
and tossed into a dumpster,
nobody saw us, let's get out of here.

you are blind anger and irrationality
a temper tantrum in a space station
weightless and frustrated, without voyuers
insisting you are the victim.

if your goal is to move to the Arctic
it's easiest to pretend cold is the only temperature
that warm never existed at all,
and that summer was your worst experience ever
tell everyone you know how much you hated sunlight
none of those are true,
but it will make the ice that much more appealing
it will close all doors but one
it will make your self-imposed choice so much easier

you'll never sweat again
never feel the touch of water against your skin
never smell those blossoming colors
no more birds chirping in your ears
but at least you'll be submerged in solitude
protected
because that's what's important
I guess

we have pictures of your giant smiles in the sun
memories of your best Augusts ever
you're only lying
to yourself

all the love we leave behind.

do we place blame?
at the height of happiness, in the depths of our lowest lows,
flowers left at the graveyards of a thousand lost lovers,
entire city streets that should have been choked with the traffic of our love,
instead abandoned and left in mourning
do we place blame, does it even matter?
at any point in time
throughout our sordid histories
we could have made it work
fought for it with tooth and nail
actually made it work like how they did a century ago

is the one that we stick with just the one where we run out of spirit, or pride?

I'm as perfect as I am immortal
"I never had a halo, I never flaunted wings"
I only know what my heart feels and what my flawed brain tells me 
learn and move on
try to smile

I swear I die a little each and every time, I feel too much
I can't love as hard as I do and lose as much as I do, 
I can't 
don't let the procession march through yet, I can't wear black again

this is exactly what I was afraid of in the first place,
why I couldn't let you in
because I knew I'd eventually be here
wearing black

I'll leave a flower for you every week 
and I'm not blowing out the candle