i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over. i write the same things in different words over and over and over.

"I told you this would happen."

glasses once filled with rum,
still the smell endures and the remnant of cola, now just color at the bottom
her kiss, like scripture; something to believe in
in a manner of speaking, I'm still on my knees with hands together towards the sky
the search for a numbing agent so strong it wipes away all memories of them
those which are now cracks in my tombstone
yes, that search endures as well
for I apparently can't handle the focused intensity by which they break me down
like sunlight through a magnifying glass
slowly peeling back all that sustains me,
that to which our meaningless little lives mostly dwell upon in our cherished hours of the day
looking up at the sky now, seeing nothing, the cold permeating but not affecting,
I find that I need less and less
except for something to believe in
oh, that necessity endures
that necessity, like a dead tree
still standing after so many years, roots firmly implanted in the earth
still fighting against the wind, the rain,
stubborn like it hasn't yet realized its fate
that necessity
gnawing at my heart at all cherished hours of the day
her kiss, like scripture
something to believe in

God, how I need something to believe in

those afraid of movement are doomed to be mannequins.

at the heights of malnutrition
anorexic royalty
I don't even know why I waste my time anymore
your missives, like finding money on the floor
too rare to be considered anything but luck
it's heartbreaking, but I've truly given up
in every way
when the dehydration kicks in, I'll be smoking cigarettes
numbing it all away
eating all the wrong berries like in Into The Wild
I'm starving myself of you
because I'd rather feel nothing than longing
the memories of us like a five-course meal
spread out before the starving
all the crops needed was a little rain

just take a fucking chance, will you, before I wither away to nothing

don't step foot into the bedroom.

I've filled your head up with smoke
I'm not what you think
deploy the decoys
carved out of marble but warm to the touch,
I'm sorry I can't be your monument
swingsets made out of holograms
she's got my heart and she doesn't care
I'm diving underwater and swimming as fastasIcanstraighttothebottom/

never coming up again because you wouldn't let me breathe anyway

birds on her hips.

you always slept so soundly
peaceful as words on a page in your covers
you were my secret forever

the lips turned to teeth too quickly
reasons fell through the seasons
do you still think of me

I crucified innocence
tore my cuticles to hell
forcing you out of my head

I know the sun has set
on the beach we used to lay
I just wish I could hold you again

even if it's just to finally let you go

heartropics.

bled out on the street, the street you took to get to me
manicured nails on my back
faint remnants of a voice I used to know
I'm so frustrated that I emailed you that night I wasn't in control
she's just like you
she found her way in and I can't get her out

when you loved your baths, and had me jump in
entangled
from the window we saw paradise, from inside we lied
textbook concern; passerby acknowledgement
I feel it in my veins
treasure maps never found again, I lost my chance

you spin me around underwater and make me find the surface whenever you throw your words at me. I'm Antarctica without you; any of you.
I see tragedies on the television and feel nothing
I feel amnesty in my bones, take off running

graduate cylinders, test tubes shattered on the floor
these fluids were never meant for experimentation
your centrifuge has spread my atoms straight to hell

the nasty, the imminent.

when I was in the bathroom
crushing up a little blue pill and inhaling the remains
you were in my bed and naked
waiting for your high to come back
we're all just junkie variations
apparently you kicked your habit
congratulations
never have I loved playing the role of chemicals so much
flawless role reversal
what great chemistry
you've moved on to a new high
but it'll never be the same
you'll be chasing the dragon for the rest of your life
you'll end up coming back like they all do
your realization will be cold sweats and tremors in bed
but I don't care for your withdrawl, because you deserted me

there's something terribly wrong with you
there's something terribly wrong with you

octopus.

as she slept next to me, this complete stranger
I figured something was either under construction or about to crumble
either way, at least it was movement

I don't tell people my dreams because they aren't,
and all the trauma I've felt boomerangs back around at night
bookmarked into grey matter

I woke up next to her but I wasn't really waking up
she was already awake and choking me
slowly muttered the words "I have a cousin"
we were in my bed, in the dark, in my apartment - just as we were in my bed, in the dark, in my apartment
I remember that, and then mad scientists
I remember that, and then running

I woke up expecting hands around my neck
a sort of endless loop of desperation and inevitability
I love the intelligent conversation, the warm body next to me, the curious nature by which she goes about the littlest things, the fact that she's flawed and outstanding and she glows like flame in the woods, but

I still woke up expecting hands around my neck

motherfuckers, part XXVII.

how does it feel to have never had dirt on your hands
currency-revolving life
you're a drawn-in stick figure in expensive mens clothing
your bankroll won't transcend the cemetery
characterless like an unmarked grave
the most expensive vanilla is still vanilla
the method of how it gets to your mouth is futile
silver spoon-fed baby boy
you'll never really live

mead composition.

I don't need to be overly intellectual, esoteric or wordy.
I'm not trying to impress, these words often go nowhere but back around again.

All I know is that I love you like the blind love sound.

and that's it.