I am a future ghost.

It's been over 3 years since I've posted on here.  

Any other explanation why would be more romantic than the truth, which is that I forgot the password associated with the email account I use for this, and since there's close to a decade's worth of material in this account I couldn't fathom starting a new blog for my writing.  So I just didn't write (aside from lyrics for music projects).  For over 3 years.  Which kind of felt like a piece of me had died, and I was half of who I once was.  

As you can quite imagine, I am ridiculously excited to be back on this account now.  And for the half a dozen people still paying attention - thank you, and yes there will be new material shortly.  

The above is a picture I took when I was working on the book / compilation of my work, called SKY SCRAPING.  I put it down for a bit, which I should never have done.  Admittedly, I got very disenchanted when I had sent it out to multiple publishers who did not show any interest.  I know now that reaction was incorrect, but I am still human, and seeing how much inferior poetry IS published on a daily basis out there, I was understandably frustrated.  That is not to say that I think my work is brilliant or anything (it isn't) but I know it's at the very least, publishable.  I will strive to continue this book and eventually get it published, because this is one of my dreams.

Again, thank you all for your interest, and keep checking back in.  

.DJN.

the real is struggle.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE PIECES FIT
I DON'T
they must fit, they have to fit right?
::pushes the square peg into the round hole, damaging both::
I don't know how
|thepiecesfit|   they do, they do, they do
never mind
I'll follow you around our town
I'll ask you about your day and get spurned when it comes to answering them 
where did you go?
WHERE DID YOU GO WHERE
where did you go
you used to be right here with me, you were
we woke up and went to bed right next to each other, we were born on the same levels
and then \distance\ (it) crept in like a fog
blanketing us
and it stayed there until we couldn't navigate anymore 
you used to be right here with me
you were 
and as soon as that word came about, it's like your hands became slippery 
and you couldn't hold on anymore
where did you go?  
i need you back here with me
i need you 
 

penny for your thoughts.

I would like to insert a spout into my head
open the valve and pour all my thoughts out onto your lap
viscous, acidic
and thoroughly consuming
I sit here unable to put sentences together
unable to concentrate and put forth any effort

when you get like this,
I get scared
I've invested all of this for naught
I've opened up the walls only to be taken by the heathens

so many times I'm going back and forth between
"I can't do this" and
"I need this"

please pick one version of yourself,
preferably the one that loves me,
and let the roots grow where they may
because these anxiety attacks aren't helping anyone,
and this roller coaster needs to slow down

I get scared, I get scared,
I get scared

we both want the same thing, we just need to find out how to get there. 

riverbed.

turmoil,
the bulge of the river collects the detritus we discarded
on the shoreline, my encampment ages
I can't stop watching the current
and the animals around me sip from the banks as if I wasn't even there
when your rapids become heavy, so does my heart
it weighs me down until I can no longer think to swim
I stop fighting, and I just shut down
I don't want to ride the whitewater
I'm not equipped to grasp the turmoil at hand,
I love you too much
and I'm not a fighter
not ready to hold on while my existence is thrown around
and our dance turns into a duel
turmoil,
I wasn't built for this,
I wasn't built for this.

I'll wade into the water but I refuse to drown in the flood,
there are a thousand of my corpses already on the riverbed

the method actor.

the method actor,
the man behind the wall with the pistol and the rose
I took her home
I bandaged her wounds and brought her to a climax inside her house, and left
silence hanging in the air like cigarette smoke
I leveled up, and leveled off
it seems you've been sinking for years now, and I was the only thing holding you up
four letters, in your skull like fireflies
avoidance avoidance,
brick up the windows and the doorway,
the truth is what you say it is.

the ghost of my tongue will hang inside your thoughts forever

oh no, oh no.

endless smiles
whispers that sound like airliners taking off,
words that hit pavement like artillery.
the tips of my fingers are thunderstorms,
slowly, gently beating rain down onto your rooftops.

if I told you I saw the future in your eyes,
would you run?
if I told you just how I felt,
as if gravity was gone
as if someone finally turned on the light and the way is clear,
spinning out of control and yet moving forward so fast,
gut-punched and drowning in a shit-eating grin,
oh, love
if I told you just how I felt tonight,
would you run?
would you let that devilish smile creep across your face like it does,
and then kiss me? 

just lay back,
let the thunderstorm pass over you
lets just lay here together
I'm afraid to tell you what I see in your eyes

I can't even.

this is the scent
it permeates my dreams and keeps my body up at night
with you next to me
I can't even describe it
shudder tremors
the outline of your nude form sprawling out on my bed, tuckered out
this is the scent
I'm reeling
the valleys are so low, and the peaks...
they're so you
so everything
I love the way you smell
fully intoxicated
I took the time I needed, and now,
I'm looking forward
this is definitely
the scent

listening to you I swear I'm listening to you I swear I'm

hey, your majesty
my knees keep on shaking from fright
once upon a time you said "I desperately want this one to work"
within our pages
my outfit doesn't match, and
I don't know what I'm doing here anymore
I keep seeing you in dreams, I keep feeling you on my skin
memories vivid like the best poltergeists
haunt me forever
you can find me at the church, in the front pew
you gave up, didn't you?
your majesty
I bet you ten bucks you still feel my tongue on you
(sorry,
that's my Ego talking
the one took over and the other one blew his brains out)
you used to be able to find me at the pub,
filling every possible aching vacancy
but I don't know what I'm doing here anymore
I lost you,
and I'm at a loss for words

I accepted all of you, but you couldn't accept all of me
at least I loved true
at least I loved true

mercy, mercy.

minutes and hours, shaking down the sides of the walls,
raining down,
such a fool
I spew trust on the walls, on the ground in front of me,
so slippery
the lust is thick like hot smoke
burning the eyes
co-dependent child on fire
our children are on fire
disintegrating, dispondency
she never thought she compared, but that's because she was so high above the rest
I would swim in the seas of your eyes for the rest of my life
even if that meant, a few hours until I would drown
I would lose myself in the constellations of the freckles on your body
just push me out into space, let me float forever
the memories of our hands on each other
the minutes and the hours,
raining down,

raining down.

I know what love is.

careful coma.

the endorphin surge
just when she says she wants to stab the clock together
order in and just decay/construct under the covers,
better than the first high of any junkie
the toss and turn
the fisticuffs of co-dependency
take the measurements
I don't care how long it lasts, I just need it tonight
and tomorrow night
and every night
marry me