I am a future ghost.

It's been over 3 years since I've posted on here.  

Any other explanation why would be more romantic than the truth, which is that I forgot the password associated with the email account I use for this, and since there's close to a decade's worth of material in this account I couldn't fathom starting a new blog for my writing.  So I just didn't write (aside from lyrics for music projects).  For over 3 years.  Which kind of felt like a piece of me had died, and I was half of who I once was.  

As you can quite imagine, I am ridiculously excited to be back on this account now.  And for the half a dozen people still paying attention - thank you, and yes there will be new material shortly.  

The above is a picture I took when I was working on the book / compilation of my work, called SKY SCRAPING.  I put it down for a bit, which I should never have done.  Admittedly, I got very disenchanted when I had sent it out to multiple publishers who did not show any interest.  I know now that reaction was incorrect, but I am still human, and seeing how much inferior poetry IS published on a daily basis out there, I was understandably frustrated.  That is not to say that I think my work is brilliant or anything (it isn't) but I know it's at the very least, publishable.  I will strive to continue this book and eventually get it published, because this is one of my dreams.

Again, thank you all for your interest, and keep checking back in.  

.DJN.

the real is struggle.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THE PIECES FIT
I DON'T
they must fit, they have to fit right?
::pushes the square peg into the round hole, damaging both::
I don't know how
|thepiecesfit|   they do, they do, they do
never mind
I'll follow you around our town
I'll ask you about your day and get spurned when it comes to answering them 
where did you go?
WHERE DID YOU GO WHERE
where did you go
you used to be right here with me, you were
we woke up and went to bed right next to each other, we were born on the same levels
and then \distance\ (it) crept in like a fog
blanketing us
and it stayed there until we couldn't navigate anymore 
you used to be right here with me
you were 
and as soon as that word came about, it's like your hands became slippery 
and you couldn't hold on anymore
where did you go?  
i need you back here with me
i need you 
 

penny for your thoughts.

I would like to insert a spout into my head
open the valve and pour all my thoughts out onto your lap
viscous, acidic
and thoroughly consuming
I sit here unable to put sentences together
unable to concentrate and put forth any effort

when you get like this,
I get scared
I've invested all of this for naught
I've opened up the walls only to be taken by the heathens

so many times I'm going back and forth between
"I can't do this" and
"I need this"

please pick one version of yourself,
preferably the one that loves me,
and let the roots grow where they may
because these anxiety attacks aren't helping anyone,
and this roller coaster needs to slow down

I get scared, I get scared,
I get scared

we both want the same thing, we just need to find out how to get there. 

riverbed.

turmoil,
the bulge of the river collects the detritus we discarded
on the shoreline, my encampment ages
I can't stop watching the current
and the animals around me sip from the banks as if I wasn't even there
when your rapids become heavy, so does my heart
it weighs me down until I can no longer think to swim
I stop fighting, and I just shut down
I don't want to ride the whitewater
I'm not equipped to grasp the turmoil at hand,
I love you too much
and I'm not a fighter
not ready to hold on while my existence is thrown around
and our dance turns into a duel
turmoil,
I wasn't built for this,
I wasn't built for this.

I'll wade into the water but I refuse to drown in the flood,
there are a thousand of my corpses already on the riverbed

the method actor.

the method actor,
the man behind the wall with the pistol and the rose
I took her home
I bandaged her wounds and brought her to a climax inside her house, and left
silence hanging in the air like cigarette smoke
I leveled up, and leveled off
it seems you've been sinking for years now, and I was the only thing holding you up
four letters, in your skull like fireflies
avoidance avoidance,
brick up the windows and the doorway,
the truth is what you say it is.

the ghost of my tongue will hang inside your thoughts forever

oh no, oh no.

endless smiles
whispers that sound like airliners taking off,
words that hit pavement like artillery.
the tips of my fingers are thunderstorms,
slowly, gently beating rain down onto your rooftops.

if I told you I saw the future in your eyes,
would you run?
if I told you just how I felt,
as if gravity was gone
as if someone finally turned on the light and the way is clear,
spinning out of control and yet moving forward so fast,
gut-punched and drowning in a shit-eating grin,
oh, love
if I told you just how I felt tonight,
would you run?
would you let that devilish smile creep across your face like it does,
and then kiss me? 

just lay back,
let the thunderstorm pass over you
lets just lay here together
I'm afraid to tell you what I see in your eyes

I can't even.

this is the scent
it permeates my dreams and keeps my body up at night
with you next to me
I can't even describe it
shudder tremors
the outline of your nude form sprawling out on my bed, tuckered out
this is the scent
I'm reeling
the valleys are so low, and the peaks...
they're so you
so everything
I love the way you smell
fully intoxicated
I took the time I needed, and now,
I'm looking forward
this is definitely
the scent

listening to you I swear I'm listening to you I swear I'm

hey, your majesty
my knees keep on shaking from fright
once upon a time you said "I desperately want this one to work"
within our pages
my outfit doesn't match, and
I don't know what I'm doing here anymore
I keep seeing you in dreams, I keep feeling you on my skin
memories vivid like the best poltergeists
haunt me forever
you can find me at the church, in the front pew
you gave up, didn't you?
your majesty
I bet you ten bucks you still feel my tongue on you
(sorry,
that's my Ego talking
the one took over and the other one blew his brains out)
you used to be able to find me at the pub,
filling every possible aching vacancy
but I don't know what I'm doing here anymore
I lost you,
and I'm at a loss for words

I accepted all of you, but you couldn't accept all of me
at least I loved true
at least I loved true

mercy, mercy.

minutes and hours, shaking down the sides of the walls,
raining down,
such a fool
I spew trust on the walls, on the ground in front of me,
so slippery
the lust is thick like hot smoke
burning the eyes
co-dependent child on fire
our children are on fire
disintegrating, dispondency
she never thought she compared, but that's because she was so high above the rest
I would swim in the seas of your eyes for the rest of my life
even if that meant, a few hours until I would drown
I would lose myself in the constellations of the freckles on your body
just push me out into space, let me float forever
the memories of our hands on each other
the minutes and the hours,
raining down,

raining down.

I know what love is.

careful coma.

the endorphin surge
just when she says she wants to stab the clock together
order in and just decay/construct under the covers,
better than the first high of any junkie
the toss and turn
the fisticuffs of co-dependency
take the measurements
I don't care how long it lasts, I just need it tonight
and tomorrow night
and every night
marry me

the ache.

the remnants of you, working its way out of my system
regrets hanging framed in the longest hallway

you, my heart screams out for daily,
I have to push it back down and pretend you no longer exist
submerge, submerge  submerge
pictures I can't delete but refuse to see anymore
you who's name I can't say
we fought to make it work; I would fight for years more
but I'm leaving myself in the worst position
and I can't handle the ache anymore

(you,  miss intoxication,
I'm sure the cemeteries are lined up with the hearts of men you've cast aside
arms length and nothing more
"ten Mississippi" before I press send when talking to you
you're danger in a dress
you're as damaged as the rest
and I refuse to grow roots when the earth below is loose 
I question everything when it comes to you)

I, my Mount Olympus,
I carried you in my heart up miles and years
I, I shook and trembled when you took your belongings and disappeared
I died inside
and when you came back into my arms,
when you came,
like coming up for air after asphyxiating for ages
your love like oxygen racing back into my cells,
the searing, burning in my chest making way for your hands all over me
I cried when I held you again
we both did

I'll always remember that
because it was undeniable

blood radiation.

the way your scent hangs in the air,
and in the blankets we shared,
so curious.
it's intoxicating. 
I feel myself unable to concentrate when I'm in that room
you're addicting
the way you rested your head on my chest and just snuggled in real tight
the way you hesitated twice before resting your lips on mine
like a puzzle piece finding its corners
you spread through me like wildfire
like slow tremors,
working glue through fissures that were once there
multi-colored glasswork hair and a smile that could sell a lie

you are the most frightening thing that's happened in a long time
instant allurement
this compass is just spinning forever

old serpents.

featherless,
steps away
she calls me Most Unclean;
Abaddon, Son Of Perdition
in wicked conversations amongst trusted friends
fell from the heavens we did, rocketing across the skies,
leaving a trail of ash and charred memories

a library of shudder-moves; double-takes
a discotheque of blankets and sheets
on a night like this,
(with lives like this)
you don't stop the song, you just wear better shoes

I'll keep the music playing, my love
but I've erased your name in the books that matter
abandoned and given up on
abandoned and given up on
quitter

last breaths.

all of my past loves are wrapped in sheets,
dropped in canvas sacks and placed underground, seeding the Earth
scattered like Regret Trees, who bloom constantly and without fail
I'd honestly rather just forget
because remembering is the death of the day
I tore down walls for you,
offered you all of it

but our dance, no matter how alluring,
almost always ends with one of us stepping on the other's toes
we don't mean it,
we're sure-footed until the music stops,
but I just don't want to hurt you anymore
and I can't continue to feel like this

because I wait in a vegetative state for months at a time, until I can see you again
and I can see that you're more of a priority for me
than I for you

it's fine
I've been through worse
I just really,
love you

meridian.

your flesh
mixing into mine like colored paints, slowly churning into each other
our lips dancing together with the excitement of not having each other's company in months
I hold you as you shudder while asleep, like you always do
I don't mind your sleeping sounds, because it means you exist
next to me
I feel complete again
like I can breathe with 100% of my lungs now

I love you more than my next breath
and I'll never let you down again

I don't want to love like this anymore
because I can't handle it when it inevitably ends

you've convinced yourself I'm this terrible person that I never was.
to make it easier for you, because you believe liars, whatever.  I guess it doesn't matter anymore. 
you've given up, when I never gave up on you.
such a tragedy, all of it.  my mistakes, and yours.

I can't handle loving on this level and losing it on this level.  my heart cannot take it. 

you think whatever you want to now.  there are a thousand pictures with your smiles in them that tell the real story.  there are a million memories that tell the real story. 
I'll cherish those forever, and I'll hope you find what you're looking for,
and I'll love you forever.

try to speak, but nothing comes out
blank word bubbles
I'm barely alive
alone in a half-empty apartment with nothing but regret as my roommate
the air is so thick with tension that it's keeping the walls propped up
my love, she's still out there
unreachable by any definition
this pit in my heart feels like a gunshot wound
like a black hole in my chest, gaining size and mass
this silence is deafening
I'm sorry I did this to us
you're all I ever wanted, you're all I still want
I've learned the worst life lesson
I can't get you out of my bloodstream, I don't want to either
I miss every inch of you

please subdue your anger and find your way back to these arms
that have loved you more than anyone else ever will

the struggle method.

and there she comes up again
batter it down, silence your grey matter
put a muzzle on your heart
your  co-workers are starting to wonder if you are holding it together
(you aren't)
and there she comes up again,
ten more emails to respond to and the "hold" light on the phone is blinking red
and your eyes are wet, and you can't concentrate on anything
your chest feels like there's a mountain on it
this is your day to day now, and
this is
all
your fault
lunch time but you have no appetite, so go to your car and let it all out
just make sure you collect yourself enough before you go back inside
so they don't know
it's been more than six weeks, when will this end?
has it ever been this bad?
and there she comes up again
how is she doing, what is she doing, who is she with,
the one thing you want to do is the one thing you can't
this silence is the loudest sound you've ever heard and it's killing you
this is
all
your fault
if regret was clothing you'd be in coveralls and a snowsuit
you ruined everything

I hope she knows just how deep she lives inside your heart
I hope she knows you'd be willing to do anything for a
second chance
because everyone deserves a second chance, and so do we
___

the blankets we wrap ourselves in.

I am a thousand tearful apologies
rolled up in a carpetful of lust
and tossed into a dumpster,
nobody saw us, let's get out of here.

you are blind anger and irrationality
a temper tantrum in a space station
weightless and frustrated, without voyuers
insisting you are the victim.

if your goal is to move to the Arctic
it's easiest to pretend cold is the only temperature
that warm never existed at all,
and that summer was your worst experience ever
tell everyone you know how much you hated sunlight
none of those are true,
but it will make the ice that much more appealing
it will close all doors but one
it will make your self-imposed choice so much easier

you'll never sweat again
never feel the touch of water against your skin
never smell those blossoming colors
no more birds chirping in your ears
but at least you'll be submerged in solitude
protected
because that's what's important
I guess

we have pictures of your giant smiles in the sun
memories of your best Augusts ever
you're only lying
to yourself

all the love we leave behind.

do we place blame?
at the height of happiness, in the depths of our lowest lows,
flowers left at the graveyards of a thousand lost lovers,
entire city streets that should have been choked with the traffic of our love,
instead abandoned and left in mourning
do we place blame, does it even matter?
at any point in time
throughout our sordid histories
we could have made it work
fought for it with tooth and nail
actually made it work like how they did a century ago

is the one that we stick with just the one where we run out of spirit, or pride?

I'm as perfect as I am immortal
"I never had a halo, I never flaunted wings"
I only know what my heart feels and what my flawed brain tells me 
learn and move on
try to smile

I swear I die a little each and every time, I feel too much
I can't love as hard as I do and lose as much as I do, 
I can't 
don't let the procession march through yet, I can't wear black again

this is exactly what I was afraid of in the first place,
why I couldn't let you in
because I knew I'd eventually be here
wearing black

I'll leave a flower for you every week 
and I'm not blowing out the candle